Another challenge to overcome

We're not supposed to be vulnerable
and talk about our feelings and what we want
or show that we can love and care
So i decided to give this thing a try

All I faced was disappointment
in the face of this starry night
I could see everything so clearly
and they all looked the same

The moon disappeared for an instant
in this world my mind created
and when it reappeared
it had marks like on a man's burnt face

And the worst advice I ever heard?
was that I should be myself
because how does that bode well
in a world so sad and un-edenly

And as i lied down to think
if i should be what i am
I wanted to run away again
like the countless times i did before

So running away wasn't an option
I thought I'd face them head-on
and forget the bottom of the bottle
that hasnt gotten me anywhere yet

I know when I wake up tomorrow
I'll feel the same way I do now
but I know one thing for sure
I wont act like I did the countless times before

Something’s missing

As I sat in a corner of my room, my reading lamp on and no book in my hand, I was staring at the empty white wall. A chill passed through my body almost like a tear would fall from my eye, and I was wondering why I was sitting like that. So I asked myself, and I closed my eyes to think, perhaps meditate.

I saw the living room of the house I grew up in when I was in middle school. It was late at night in that vision and I was watching tv. I realized I have been moving around ever since – and what’s missing is the comfort of familiarity.

Then I got up and started writing this post.

Sometimes minimalism can connect you with the greater good

I have realized over and over again that I own far too many things. The thought enters my mind, and then leaves like an acquaintaince who fails to make any real impression. I think about it when I move, when I buy something new and when I realize there's no empty space in my room and then it finds its way to the emptiness of my heart. And then comes the real world and I forget all about it - when I realize there are "far more important" things - the due dates, the bills and more importantly, the aspirations. I've toyed with the idea of minimalism, I like it. I just find myself trying too much to pursue it. I read a story in an email newsletter sent out by the world famous author Paulo Coelho that summarizes much:

The kingdom of this world
An old hermit was once invited to visit the court of the most powerful king of the day.

“I envy a holy man, who is content with so little,” commented the sovereign.

“I envy Your Majesty, who is content with less than I. I have the music of the celestial spheres, I have the rivers and mountains of the whole wide world, I have the moon and the sun, because I have God in my soul. Your Majesty, however, has only this kingdom.”

I find myself closer to my thoughts and feelings when I am with less technology - Perhaps I don't have the discipline to control how I waste my time and focus on what's truly important. All the self development done and good, I go back to being the same person with the same distractions day after day. How do I deal with not going back there? How do you deal with that?

The Mobster said to the Private Detective

The Mobster said to the Private Detective as they were running away for their own dear lives: "I hope your heart is broken many times. Because that means that you will find love many times" and then parted ways.

Shihan - Love Like

I ran into this from a friend: So true...

want a love like
Me thinking of you
Thinking of me thinking of you type love
Or me telling my friends more than I’ve ever admitted to myself
About how I feel about you type love
Or hating how jealous you are
But loving how much you want me all to yourself type love
Or see how your first name just sound so good next to my last name
And shit I wanted to see how far I could get without calling you
And I barely made it out of my garage

See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep
And wonder if she’s dreaming about us being in love type love
Or who loves the other more
Or what she’s doing this exact moment
Or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts
Closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good
Could hurt so much when she’s not there
And shit I love not knowing where this love is headed type love
And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes
All around the how she she never forgets how much I love her type love
And not have enough ink in my pen to write all there is to love about her type love
And hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feel

And I want to deal with my friends making fun of me
The way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love
Only difference is, this is one of those real love type loves
And just like in high school
I want to spend hours on the phone not saying shit
And then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to me
And smell her all up in my covers type love
I want to try counting the ways I love her
And lose count in the middle just so I have to start all over again
And I want to celebrate one of those one month anniversaries
Even though they ain’t really anniversaries
But doing it just ‘cause it make her happy type love
And, check this, I want to fall in love with the melody the phone plays
When none of us dialed into it type love
And talk to you until I lose my breathe
She leaves me breathless
But with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into me

I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan
To something allows me to talk to her longer
‘cause in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves
And I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are
I mean the lines on my palms don’t give me enough time
To love you as long as I’d like to type love
And I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter
Just thinking about how strong this love is type love
And I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair
Well, maybe not all of the hair
Maybe like I cut the split ends and trim my moustache
But it would still be a symbol of how strong my love for her

And check this, I kind of feel comfortable now
So I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light
Just dying to get hit by a car
Just so I could lose my memory
Get transported to some third world country just to get treated
Then somehow meet up again with you so I can fall in love with you
In a different language and see if it still feels the same type love
I want a love that’s as unexplainable as she is
But I’m married, so she’s gonna be the one I share this love with

So true, right?

The summer of my discontent

This is perhaps my first writing piece that doesnt have to do with romance. In a way, it's about romance with the world but not in the traditional sense. If you have any comments, do leave some!

I walked by my neighborhood today
Since I watched a movie last night
I took off work and stayed in
to enjoy the last summer days

I saw this man with his hat on backwards
sitting in the shade of a cool summer tree
staring at the clouds that
veiled the deep blue sky

Any other day I would
wonder why he'd waste his life away
staring into nothingness
But my mind seemed to think in an abnormal way

So I kept walking and wondered
what else I would so differently see
And it wasn't much else but happiness
and the content smile on everyone's faces

Most were children, mind you
and they played ball and yelled and ran
across the fields that weren't even so green
One trip and fell, and got up with the same intensity

So I wondered if I had lost the happiness
that came with the smaller things
like winning in a ball game or
figuring out the message in the clouds

I couldn't find an answer to what
I am now and how I've changed
and I couldn't figure out why
or if I would see the way I see the things today

I may wake up tomorrow to find
that my new mind lasted only a day
and I'm back at work and busy with things that won't last
and perhaps THIS is the summer of my discontent

A quote from the book 'Brida'

Brida is the latest book by Paulo Coelho. It's about soul mates and such and gives an interesting perspective about love and success. Following is a quote from the book. Although I don't agree much about the "appointed path", I think its a good quote overall.

Never stop having doubts. If you ever do, it will be because you've stopped moving forward. And at that point, god will step in and pull the rug out from under your feet, because that is his way of controlling his chosen ones, by making sure they always follow their appointed path till the end. If for any reason we stop, whether out of complacency, laziness or a mistaken belief that we know enough, he forces us on...Having the courage to take the steps we always wanted to take is the only way of showing that we trust in god.

A thing about clowns

I think we can learn something from clowns: For them, their ego is less important than the happiness of other people. And here we are, as people immersed in mediocrity believing that we are greater than the greater good itself worrying about how we can control, manipulate and change everything else.

Quote

I read this quote somewhere, and it pretty much sums up my belief that people grow every minute of every day...

"No man ever steps in the same river twice. For it's not the same river, and he's not the same man."

Peace and Love,

Tarun

Run away again

I wrote this a little while ago. Remember, I like comments/suggestions!

Now who knows me like you do?

and who would want to?

Do I only have to wonder?

or will you show me bliss?

I put myself on the line again

But don’t we love to lose ourselves?

So I look for love

at the bottom of this empty hole

I look up to find ceaseless skies

But they don’t look like they keep to themselves

So I find that I lost them

at the end of my time

Now who knows me like you do?

and who would want to?

Do I even want to know?

or will I learn when it ends?

I heard “love thyself 'fore you love them”

but who can contest to that?

for the lovers only find solace

In the arms of their soul mates

I keep falling for the rest

but I can’t even stand for myself

So wouldn’t I rather run away

to the end of my time?

An important thing

I finished reading "No Country for Old Men" a little while ago, but one of the quotes has stuck with me still. It's strange how it comes to my mind almost randomly and subconsciously. I think its worth remembering, and reminding ourselves over and over, because so many of us are prone to making that mistake every day:

It goes something like this, and I'm paraphrasing: "You have a small problem. You don't solve it, and it aint such a small problem anymore".

Hopefully this is something I can learn and incorporate in my everyday life, and I hope you all will, too.
Peace and Love!

You really are

I like you. I like you because you are content. You don’t have a craving for knowledge. You don’t believe you need to know everything, you don’t ask much, and you don’t ask for much. You can smile even through the pain you see, because you know that’s the point of living. You live to become better every day, and you get motivated by quotes. 

You are accepting, you don’t like challenges but take them up anyway. You respond to calls, you always want to talk. You need people in your life. You get lost often. You need directions. You aren’t perfect, and you know it. And every day, is a day to get closer to perfect, and you know that too. 

You have perhaps too much faith in the higher power, but you have faith nonetheless. You take chances. You give second chances. You make awkward situations seem perfect, and when everything is going right, you say something awkward just to be funny. You care too much, you cry when you have to let go.

You really are all that anyone needs.

That for which I have no answer

So I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I don’t wanna be one of those people who end up with nothing to live for and a mid-life crisis that brings with it millions of dollars in debt. That thought scares me. The thing is, I haven’t found what I really want to do. I like to do a lot of different things, and I don’t have enough presence of mind to realize that Im wasting time. Maybe I should work on that. What I did realize though, is that I want to work with the final consumer. Not sit in front of a computer all day and edit 65,536 rows of data.

On the same note: I’ve been working a lot on this in-house application and trying to make it better and blah blah for this financial firm. Halfway through the day, I stop and wonder why I’m doing this: I have no answer. How does it matter if a button is 3 pixels away from the other button or 5? I have no answer. Then I remembered a newsletter sent out by Paulo Coelho. The theme of the newsletter was what the society considers to be okay.

Oh well.

Oh scammer, this might be what you call an overreaction.

But its my overreaction...

Someone decided to respond to my craigslist posting with a scam email saying how they are from Florida and how his friend works in American airlines, so he wants me to mail it outside the country. Umm yeah, didnt make sense to me either.

so I in turn, and very carefully crafted an email that said

"go f*ck yourself."

But now I feel horrible for being so mean, for people with such inconsideration for others should be treated just as some other relatively less mentally challenged people are treated (for surely no-one could be stupid-er to be wasting such brilliance on scams), so I wrote him a poem. ah well, this was inspiring and i couldn't resist it.

Someone woke up today and thought
lets see how many people i can scam
who work hard for a day for hard work's pay
and keep as many things as i can

He'll sell some off and make a few
and buy some other things to decorate
what he calls home, he'll even buy a new phone
and buy more things from which he cannot seperate

For a few days he'll sleep in peace
he'll say its his intelligence
what others might say is just his luck for the day
but one day he will complete his sentence
and keep only what the mind can create

So dimly his brain would work,
people, im sure, never would've thought
The same dimwits he think he scammed
wrote him a nice little poem, wishing he would rot

But best of luck to you sir,
For I wouldn’t wish on anybody such wrath,
that they might waste such aptitude
on foolish chases like yours

--

Well,

Peace and Love (and good luck to you all, bloody scammers)
Tarun Betala

The girl on the train...

I wrote this entry a couple weeks ago, just never got around to posting it. Now it seems like it's overdue..

Last night was a rather weird night. I was taking the 4 subway train to get to a happy hour with my friends. As always, Im standing next to the door singing to myself and looking at my reflection in the mirror to make sure my hair is still spiked up. The train stopped at the Union Square stop and a horde of people were rushing out of the train. A lot of empty seats meant I could sing to myself and check my reflection while seated. So I walked to sit at the closest seat I can find. Then, a rather interesting looking (Beautiful, I must add) girl walks into the train. Looks at me looking at her, and comes sits next to me.

It took me a minute or two to think of what I can say to her. She takes out her blackberry and starts playing Brick Breaker. I knew what to say to her, and I did. We talk for the 10 minutes before the train arrives to the 59^th street stop. I had to leave and in a rush, I forgot to get her number. Yeah, what an idiot I am.

Those 10 minutes were honestly the funniest moments I’ve had in the past week. I still remember how deep her eyes were.

I dont know where this came from

But i was sitting at a coffee shop yesterday, and these lines came to my mind during an instrumental song

I am just an ordinary person
I am who I want to be
I am just an ordinary  person
I see what I want to see

And I have some dreams and hopes and aspirations
To be what I want to be
And I have some plans laid out
To be what I want to be

I am just an ordinary person
but that's not what I want to be
I want people to feel envy
when they think of me

Oh when I have all the power
I'll want to be an ordinary person
I believe knowing that is only half the battle
but that's when I'd have lived being me

Leave some comments, let me know what you think!

Like always
Peace and Love,
Tarun