This was a dream I had last night. Unlike many of my other dreams, I remember and recall this vividly, in that I can remember how exactly I felt, even though I was asleep.
**
I was walking down an old familiar main street in a European city, it was far from gloomy, even though it looked like it was about to rain. A strange sort of peace over the vicinity, and no people around, until someone came walking past me, and right then, stopped. She called out my name, I turned around and with some familiar comfort went over to hug. I know that I was at first discomforted by not recognizing her, in the dream, but that feeling soon passed, as most feelings in a dream do. Feelings pass in reality too, they just seem prolonged and full of emotions.
After some talking and laughing she brought up something about another girl (let's call her Jane, shall we?) and wondered why Jane and I hadn't seen each other or talked or shared anything in a while. I had no answer and I hadn't a mind to justify by saying I was busy or I would try, for I know that I wouldn't do either of those things. I had no reason why I felt the way I did but perhaps Jane was better off outside of my thoughts, and I'm better off in her past. Sadly enough, it had worked the way I felt it was best until now, because Jane didn't try either, so it mustn't only be mutual, but painless for both parties concerned.
Hardly, though. It seems that we do things that we don't want to. And often we don't do things we want to, because I repressed the pain and justified it by saying that it would pass with time. Perhaps the perceived pain of trying and failing is much harder than doing nothing at all. That's no reason to not fight.
So she asked me if I would like to have dinner with Jane tomorrow night. When I couldn't answer she took it as a yes and said that she would see through it personally that I went. There was no reason for me to believe that I wouldn't go. But perhaps I was too scared to go through all of it again that. And the next moment I was walking in the restaurant, and evidently having been led there by her. I saw Jane seated towards the kitchen, and I could see the back of her head clearly, a red top and jet black hair shining perhaps as much as any of the lights in the room or outside.
My heart sank for a minute as it took me back to feeling like the young weak and vulnerable me that once was. I didn't walk to her, I sat exactly opposite the door, a few tables away from her, never taking my eyes off her back. Her red shirt may as well have been gold for it attracted the eyes incessantly, like gold would in midst of dust. And when one is looking for gold, would it not be that the attractiveness increases a thousand fold?
She was fidgeting, playing with her fingers on the table, making soft sweet drumming music. I could hear it clearly, through and excepting all the noise around me, as if nothing else really mattered or concerned. She looked around after a while, my eyes were still attached to her back. She saw me sitting there, and her eyes locked into mine for a brief moment, and she turned back and continued to do fidget. Her food came, and then the waiter came to me in that train-like compartment in which the restaurant was.
I ordered my food, it came, and I ate. I remember not getting my eyes of her. and I remember thinking what a lady she was. Not a lady by birth, or by sex, but a lady by mannerisms and character. If she had changed at all, I could tell through her eyes, she only become more serene.
The infinite calm in her eyes seemed enough to last a lifetime, and it did suffice for now. I left.
**
Such are dreams of mine, and I can place this in several instances to whom this might relate. But why must I? If a dream is so vivid, so simple and has so much of an anti-climax, it must only mean that it is hardly the end.
No comments:
Post a Comment